*There will be pictures of a premature infant in this post* I want to post a TRIGGER WARNING that this post, and the subsequent parts will detail hospital/medical bias, medical procedures, the NICU, and other subjects that might be triggering for some. There will also be pictures of premature infants which (from personal experience) can be triggering. I will post this at the beginning of each part.

The next morning I was at the NICU bright and early. I sat with the baby. She had the same day nurse as the previous day when the breastmilk fiasco went down. As the nurse got the feeding ready I asked her what was in the bottle. She replied, "It's breastmilk. I'm not sure why the doctor told you they would give her formula, especially when you're so against it." She was the one who told me that, but I held my tongue, and just shrugged. I stayed most of the day, and well into the night.

My baby was almost three weeks old by now. I was a steady presence in the NICU. I usually sat quietly with the baby on my chest, and read or browsed social media. I guess I started to blend in too well because some staff members started saying things in front of me that should not be heard by any patients. One of the things I remember that rubbed me the wrong way was a nurse frustrated at being locked out of the computer because she could not input the breastmilk she had just received. She told another nurse, "This wouldn't happen if they would just get on formula." Mind you the only two babies on breastmilk were micropreemies who breastmilk is mandatory for at other hospitals. My confidence in these nurses was already on shaky ground. I just held my breath and willed my baby to get better faster so I could take her home.

As the days passed by the baby got bigger, and bigger. At a little less than a month Earthside they tried weaning her off oxygen. She managed to go a few hours without oxygen before needing to get back on it. It was amazing to see her beautiful face without the tape and wires. Around this same time she gained enough weight to start wearing clothes. The nurses who knew me very well by then waited for me to arrive to put her first outfit on her. Because it was December I put her in a Santa Clause onesie.

Her trial without oxygen lasted about eight hours before it needed to be put back on. They told me that was to be expected, but that she had done well. The baby continued to gain weight and grow each day. Eventually she was she was big enough, and stable enough to leave her pod. She officially upgraded to an open crib, and was moved to the other side with the "bigger" NICU babies. There was currently one other baby over there with her. The best part of the open crib is that I no longer needed assistance to get her out of bed to hold. It was bittersweet to be so far away from her friend, but I was looking forward to hopefully having her home before Christmas.

Stayed tuned for the next part! Catch up on previous parts here: 1 2

My next few days at home were torture. I couldn't go to see the baby until night time when my partner got home. I pumped around the clock. I remember a couple times falling asleep while pumping. They started swaddling her to let us hold her while she had her lines still in. It was a small mercy. Her father got to hold her, and I was able to hold her while she ate. The times outside the pod or from under the lights was only 10-15 minutes, but they were glorious. I still wasn't cleared to drive so it was frustrating waiting at home to get rides to go see her.

Around 5 days of life her lines were removed, and the hospital let me try kangaroo care with her. Her temperature was still a concern, but they tested her temperature before I held her, and every 10 minutes while I held her. Kangaroo care is when you place the baby against your chest skin to skin. I had read about it on different websites. I had stumbled across kellymom.com and read about different ways to care for a premature infant. Sites like that were so beneficial to me on what to expect, and creating realistic expectations. The first time we did kangaroo care the baby snuggled right in. She was so comfortable. She was able to stay with me for an hour, and her temperature only decreased by one degree. Years later I learned that a mother's breast will heat up, or decrease temperature to help the baby regulate their temperature.

Around a week of life she got so good at regulating her temperature that kangaroo care times went from one hour to three hours with her maintaining her temperature the entire time. I adjusted my schedule to pumping at the hospital and holding her kangaroo style during her feeds. I wanted her to associate me with food and comfort as much as possible. Because I was there so often, and for so long I made casual friends with the parents of the baby across from mine.

I learned that this was the mother who went into labor the day before me. Our babies were the trouble makers of the NICU. When one baby was getting more attention than the other, the other would set off their monitors so the nurses would focus on them. It was comical and sweet. I learned that his parents were from the Caribbean. We were both looking forward to breastfeeding our babies at some point. Our babies were also roughly the same gestational age. I made a point of greeting her baby whenever I would go to see mine, and she would do the same. When we would meet up in the NICU we would give report on the misbehavior of the children at our previous visits.

Eventually the baby was able to do kangaroo care with my partner. I struggled during this time. I knew that he needed to bond with the baby too, but I felt so selfish. I didn't want to share her with anyone, not even her father. I remember calling my mother and crying because I felt selfish, but I couldn't overcome the feelings. She reassured me that those feelings were normal, but that I needed to allow him time to bond as well. She told me I should go pump during those times so I wouldn't feel as antsy. Honestly that was a great suggestion. Eventually those feelings relaxed, but it did take some time.

My daughter was born 11 days before my birthday. When I was discharged the hospital told me that if I had any bleeding larger than a golf ball I was to head to the ER to get checked. Two days before my birthday I was finally cleared to drive. I was excited about that because my partner had taken a temporary position at work that changed his shift to overnights, and he couldn't take me to the hospital before work anymore. The day of my birthday I started passing large clots. By this time my nighttime routine was to go to the NICU during the baby's feeding time, hold her kangaroo style during the feeding and for an hour afterward, then head home. Because I knew I needed to head to the ER I called the NICU to let them know I was right next door, but that I would be there to hold her during her feeding. I told them I would be a few minutes late, and asked them to hold her feeding until I got there.

At the ER I felt like they were taking forever! In my haste to contact the NICU, and head to the ER I neglected to pump. When I was finally seen by the doctor I hadn't pumped in over 5 hours. For whatever reason the last large clot I passed was the end of my postpartum bleeding. When the doctor checked me I wasn't bleeding at all. He told me he was going to get my discharge papers ready. As time crept by my breasts were so full and painful. The doctor still had not returned. By now it was over 6 hours since I last pumped. I begged the nurse for a pump. She said the pumps were only for the NICU. I explained my baby was in the NICU, and I was headed there as soon as they discharged me. She called the NICU to ask to borrow a pump, and they refused! I was so shocked, and uncomfortable. This was not how I wanted to spend my birthday. Finally the nurse got the doctor to rush my discharge.

I immediately left the ER, and walked to the NICU. My triplet mom friend was also visiting that night. I met her in the lobby of the maternity ward. I didn't stop to pump because I was already 15 minutes late for the start of the baby's feeding. When I got to the NICU the baby had a new overnight nurse I had never seen before. She had started the baby's feeding. I was so upset! I stared at the baby for a few minutes trying to gather my thoughts.

Finally I said to the nurse, "I would like to do kangaroo care with her." The nurse replied, "Her tube feeding is running. We try not to have the babies held while they are eating because they might throw up." I told her that I held her every night when she had her feedings. I asked her, "Why didn't you hold the feeding?" The nurse didn't reply. My friend replied, "It's her birthday. She really wanted this." The nurse walked away, and left us at the podside.

Dejected and on the verge of tears I sat in the armchair by the baby's bed just staring at her. This was the worst birthday. I didn't know what to say or do. The pain in my breasts were completely ignored because the pain in my heart was so much worse. My friend tried to comfort me. She told me I should speak with the nurse manager in the morning. I just nodded. I didn't know what to say at all.

A few minutes later the nurse returned. She told me that she had talked to the nurses on the other side of the NICU. They told her that as long as I held the baby for over an hour it would be ok. By this point my grief had turned to anger. "I always hold her for over an hour. I do this every night. I specifically called to tell y'all I was going to be late because I knew you didn't like her to be moved mid-feeding. Every night I hold her while she gets this feeding. I really want to hold her, but now I'm too upset. I'm just going to go home. I will hold her in the morning."

My friend and I left the NICU. She hugged me and started her long trek home. I called my mom on my way home and cried my eyes out. I told her I had to go home and pump, then try to sleep. That night was awful. My emotions were so high! Getting to sleep was near impossible, but finally I drifted off.

Stay tuned for the continuation of the story!