My first pregnancy is probably the best starting place for this blog. It was the beginning of this life of organized chaos, and brings me to the point I'm at now. Before I start I just want to post a TRIGGER WARNING that this post, and the subsequent parts will detail infertility issues, death, preterm birth, hospital/medical bias, and other subjects that might be triggering for some. There will also be pictures of premature infants which (from personal experience) can be triggering.
All my life I knew I wanted to have a baby. I remember reading books on birth, including pictures, when I was 7, being so fascinated by the images of babies and the entire birthing process. When I became a nurse I wanted to work in Labor and Delivery because I was so sure it was my calling (turns out I loved memory care more). When I met my partner one of the first conversations we had was on children. How many we wanted, discipline and parenting styles, and everything in between. I already knew I would have issues conceiving, and might not carry to term. My mother had similar issues. I made sure to let him know these things right away, and let him know having kids might not be an easy journey. I had PCOS, regularly irregular cycles, and did not ovulate on my own.
My doctor prescribed me Clomid to try to get me to ovulate. The prescription I had had been expired for 4 years, but I figured the worst that could happen was it not working. I joined a birth group on Babycenter because I wanted to talk to other people who were also having fertility issues. I had no idea how intense some of those people could be, but also how supportive they would later become.
Fast forward to my first cycle with the Clomid. This was going to be a one and done option because I was not established with an OB at the time. I knew I wanted to give birth with a midwife so finding an OB was not on my radar. After the dreaded two week wait I took a test. It was negative. Super negative. Stark white. I squinted, hoped, prayed that maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me, and I would be able to see that super faint pink line. Alas, it was not. My support group friends boosted me up. They told me I could try again. Test later maybe I was testing too soon. Around the time I should be expecting another cycle tragedy struck. My little brother was killed by a forced drug overdose. I tested one more time just to be sure that I was not pregnant. Still negative. I knew my cycle should be starting soon so I packed up my period supplies, and my partner and I flew to Texas.
When we returned home we talked about what our next options would be. We decided that I would get established with an OB and try another cycle of Clomid. I told him that most likely we would not be able to try again for at least another 6 months because that seemed to be the norm before doctors would prescribe any medications to new patients. He was ok with that.
I put on a brave face, but I was disgruntled. What's the point of having a period if I can't get pregnant? I was so miffed. I decided to turn that pain and anger into determination. I downloaded a new period tracker program, and input the cycles I had previously had. Because my cycle was now about 3 weeks late the tracker kept flashing that I needed to test. Annoyed, I peed on the stick, shoved it in my linen closet so I wouldn't have to see it, and hopped in the shower.
When I got out the shower I took my sweet time drying off. I just knew this test was going to be negative, and was not ready for that disappointment. I opened the door, pulled out the test, and BIG FAT POSITIVE! It was so positive it was pulling some of the pink from the control line. I'm sad to say I was too excited to plan any kind of surprise announcement for my partner. I walked into the kitchen stark naked, shoved the test in his face, and said, "LOOK!" He gave me a clueless look. "What's that supposed to mean?" "THAT means we are having a baby," I exclaimed. My partner, ever the steadfast one said, "Ok, so now what?" I said, "Now we wait. The hard part is over."
Famous last words friends.