***There will be pictures of a premature infant in this post*** I want to post a TRIGGER WARNING that this post, and the subsequent parts will detail infertility issues, death, preterm birth, hospital/medical bias, and other subjects that might be triggering for some. There will also be pictures of premature infants which (from personal experience) can be triggering. I will post this at the beginning of each part. *
When I woke up I was back in L&D in my old room. Because it was the weekend the recovery room was full of the previously scheduled c-sections so they had me go through recovery there. They told me I was going to be moved to the mother baby ward now that I was no longer pregnant. Everything felt so rushed. I barely remember the trip there. Thankfully they wheeled me in the bed instead of moving me to a wheelchair.
By now it was around 3 hours after my surgery. The doctor came to talk to me. She solemnly approached my partner and I, "So the surgery went well. I made the smallest incision I could possibly make to get the baby out. I know you wanted to have a VBAC with your next baby, so I tried to make that possible. I do have to tell you when I pulled the baby out she was feet first. I felt a slight pop. I had her sent for x-rays to make sure I didn't break her leg. Other than that everything went great. The nurse will come see you soon to help you get up and dressed."
Oh. My. God! That was definitely not the news I expected. She made it sound like this was something that happens, and was no big deal. In my head I was going over all the issues that could arise from a broken leg. Trying not to show panic I tried to focus on all the things I would need while I recovered. I wrote a list of all the things I needed my partner to bring from home. I had not packed a hospital bag in my haste days before. I asked him to bring the mother's milk tea I had purchased weeks ago. I was holding onto it until I was closer to term in preparation for breastfeeding. Later I would learn this is not something you even have to do!
I called my mom after the doctor left, and let her know everything that had happened. She was out of state, but let me know my aunt was driving up to see me, was close by, and that she would be flying out to see me as soon as she could. Shortly after speaking to my mom the nurse came with a CNA, and helped me get out of bed and cleaned up. She told me to press a pillow to my stomach to get up each time I needed to. She expressed surprise at my lack of pain. I told her I was uncomfortable and itchy. She asked if I wanted pain medication, and something for the itching. I told her I did not want narcotics, but would take ibuprofen and something for the itch. She brought me Benadryl to help with the itchiness, and Toradol for the pain. I had never had Toradol before, but it was amazing for the pain without the loopiness of narcotics.
I had a slew of visitors over the next couple hours. When everyone finally left it was around 10:30 pm, a little over 6 hours after the baby was born. After shift change a new nurse came, and asked if I wanted to go to the NICU to see her. I said I did, and the nurse got me a wheelchair to push me down there. When we got to the NICU door they have a call box that you push to speak with the receptionist. You have to state the name of the baby you are coming to see. "I'm here to see Baby Girl Bogalis," I stated. "I'm sorry we don't have a baby here by that name," the receptionist replied. "Um, what? That's her name. She should be there." "Mom, what's your last name?" I had got married a few months before, and hadn't changed my last name yet. I gave her my maiden name. "Ok mom, baby girl is here. Come on back."
The NICU was dimly lit, and quiet other than the hum and beep of monitors. When we saw her for the first time in her incubator she was so tiny. She was so still, and looked like a doll used for training NICU staff instead of a real baby. I turned to my partner and said, "Are you sure that's our baby? She's so white. You didn't come down here with her. What if they switched her?" She was actually extremely red tinged, other than a purpling bruise down the entire left side of her body.
The NICU nurse introduced herself to us. She gave me a doll that she wanted me to put under my shirt. The doll would hold my scent, and they would give it to the baby to help calm her down. She gave us the status of the baby. Even though she was born at 27w4d she only needed 25% oxygen via nasal cannula. She was able to move her lungs on her own. She weighed 2lbs 9oz, and they were surprised she was that big considering her gestational age. They told me she would be getting nutrients through several tubes extending out of her umbilical cord, and would not have anything by mouth for a few days.
The NICU nurse asked if I had begun pumping yet. I told her I had not, but I planned to. "Don't bother pumping tonight. You've been through a lot. Get some sleep, and pump in the morning," she said. I asked when I would be able to hold her, and was told I wouldn't be able to hold her until her tubes came out. I remember the nurse was really nice, and later I came to depend on her to give me the truth as it related to my daughter's care, and not just the fluff they tell NICU parents so they feel better. I was dejected, but also exhausted by the days events, and returned to my room.
By now it was close to midnight. The baby was over 7 hours old. As my nurse was exiting my room she asked if I had a pump set up, and if I had pumped already. I told her I didn't have anything. She left the room, and came back with a pump, and two bottles to pump the colostrum into. She instructed me how to pump, and left to give me privacy with instructions to call her when I was done. I remember strictly following everything the nurse told me to do, massaging, alternating cycles, pumping one breast at a time. I ended up getting about half an ounce of colostrum. It seemed like such a tiny amount in that 2 ounce bottle I was given.
When the nurse came to my room she was so uplifting. "Wow that's amazing! What a great amount of milk. This is your first time? I'm impressed. I'm going to take this directly to the NICU now. They won't feed it to her yet because she can't have anything by mouth, but they will rub it on her lips so she gets your scent, and tastes your milk. Get some sleep. Remember to set an alarm so you can pump in the morning." She really validated me. I was doubting myself so much after the events of the last few days, but she made me confident I could do this one small thing for my baby. I placed the doll the NICU gave me between my breasts, set my alarm, and went to sleep.
Some photos of the baby. The first photo is her directly after birth, the second is a few minutes later before they took her to the NICU. I was unconscious during this time. My partner took these photos, and sent them to me later.
27 weeks 3 days
